Hello again, babies!
After much whining, kvetching, and undignified bitching, I was given a space on here for offering advice to anyone seeking it. Are you in the midst of a fashion crisis? Are you having relationship problems? Are you experiencing trouble in the bedroom? Are you coming out (or erupting) and in need of a sympathetic shoulder to cry on? I have exactly what you need, and now I'm only as far away as the nearest OpNet connection.
(And, in the rare event that you might want to ask someone else's opinion, I can forward your questions to my colleagues and report their answers back to you.)
So what are you waiting for? Approach the throne, sit on my lap, and tell me what you want for X-mas.
Your most loving and lovely Queen,
Glamora!
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"In the years since I was viciously attacked and nearly killed merely for being gay, social acceptance of GLBT persons has advanced by leaps and bounds. But there is still a very long way to go, and I have hardly been surprised to find that those who once condemned me for the 'abomination' of being homosexual now condemn me for the abomination of being nova, even though I have no control over either of these things.
"It is a sad fact of human nature that there have always been, and there will always be, those who shun and attack people who are different from themselves. But there is, I believe, an opposing force at work in the world and within humankind that enables us to come together in peace, love, and mutual understanding. And I dare to dream that this side of humanity is stronger than the darker impulses that find expression among those who find shelter in ignorance.
"But the better side of human nature often requires some helpful nudging if it is to flourish. To this end, the Queer Nova Alliance is dedicated to the protection of the rights and welfare of GLBT individuals all over the globe. We are a non-profit, volunteer organization that coordinates with various charities and human rights groups to donate our time, effort, and resources to assist in regional, national, and international initiatives promoting sexual and gender equality. We offer our voices to speak for those who have been silenced by shame, fear, and violence; we stand out and proud to encourage others to do the same, and to offer hope to those who cannot do so safely.
Mission Statement
- The Queer Nova Alliance (QNA)
- We are loosely-affiliated group of novas dedicated to the promotion of the fair and equal treatment of all gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people, through charitable work, the presentation of positive role models, and political action. This is an in-character blog for the PBeM Aberrant game "Project Hestia."
An Introduction and Invitation (by "Ironskin" Andy Vance)
"For too long, individuals whose sexual and gender identities did not conform to social norms were labeled 'aberrant' and subject to ridicule, rejection, and physical violence. Then, in 1998, there suddenly emerged a new class of human beings who were deemed aberrant, who became the next targets of society’s prejudice and misunderstanding.
"In the years since I was viciously attacked and nearly killed merely for being gay, social acceptance of GLBT persons has advanced by leaps and bounds. But there is still a very long way to go, and I have hardly been surprised to find that those who once condemned me for the 'abomination' of being homosexual now condemn me for the abomination of being nova, even though I have no control over either of these things.
"It is a sad fact of human nature that there have always been, and there will always be, those who shun and attack people who are different from themselves. But there is, I believe, an opposing force at work in the world and within humankind that enables us to come together in peace, love, and mutual understanding. And I dare to dream that this side of humanity is stronger than the darker impulses that find expression among those who find shelter in ignorance.
"But the better side of human nature often requires some helpful nudging if it is to flourish. To this end, the Queer Nova Alliance is dedicated to the protection of the rights and welfare of GLBT individuals all over the globe. We are a non-profit, volunteer organization that coordinates with various charities and human rights groups to donate our time, effort, and resources to assist in regional, national, and international initiatives promoting sexual and gender equality. We offer our voices to speak for those who have been silenced by shame, fear, and violence; we stand out and proud to encourage others to do the same, and to offer hope to those who cannot do so safely.
For Whom Will You Be Voting?
Who's the Fairest of Them All?
Links of Interest
- International Gay and Lesbian Human Rights Commission
- Matthew Shepard Foundation
- Human Rights Campaign
- Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network
- Lambda Legal
- Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays
- Ruth Ellis Center
- National Gay & Lesbian Task Force
- Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation
- OUTfront!
- PageOneQ
- 365 Gay
- Gay Games 2010
20 comments:
Dear Queen Glamora,
I'm an 18-year-old girl. My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years, but when we're intimate, he only wants to do it from behind (with the lights off). He also wants me to put my hair up under a baseball cap, and he shushes me if I talk or make other noises. Is this normal? My girlfriends don't think so. Please help!!
-Needing Advice In Vainilla, Ecuador
Dear NAIVE,
It's perfectly normal, especially when your boyfriend is gay.
Yes, gay. He hasn't admitted it yet (not to you, anyway), but his behavior speaks volumes.
Caveats: If you're hideously disfigured, or your vagina is exceptionally loose (you slut), or your voice makes babies cry and dogs howl in pain, maybe the only way you'll ever get any action is in the dark, from behind, and on the condition that you keep your damned mouth shut.
But let's assume that you're not a grotesque, fucked-out harpy. (Yet.) Let's assume that you are instead an average 18-year-old girl, and that the average boy would be perfectly happy to have sex with you face-to-face.
So how should you proceed with your gay boyfriend? Be sensitive, but be honest. Gently explain to him how his insistence on masculinizing you makes it apparent that you're not what he's really looking for, nor is it what you're looking for. Hopefully your candor will help him to be more candid with himself.
Then, in no uncertain terms, dump him. And then have him contact me! I'd be more than happy to show him how to get ahead in the gay world.
And next time, honey, listen to your girlfriends. Good luck!
-Glamora!
Dear Queen Glamora,
Riddle me this: what's the deal with all these anti-gay preachers and politicians having same-sex affairs on the side? There've been so many in the past few years that I've lost track. Are they all just big, fat hypocrites, or what? Thanks for enlightening me. P.S: I LOVE YOU!!!
-A Loyal Fan
Dear ALF,
OF COURSE you love me!!! And I love you too!!!
Anyway, to answer your question succinctly: yes, they are all big, fat hypocrites.
But labeling something isn't the same as explaining it. To explain this phenomenon, I need to talk a little bit about fear.
Almost every GLBT person out there is acquainted with fear: fear of being different, of being unaccepted and unloved, of damnation, or of loneliness.
One way - and arguably the best way - of dealing with our fears is to face them head-on. In other words, we challenge ourselves, which is how we adapt and grow. We might also learn that the things we fear the most never materialize.
Another way of dealing with our fears is to ignore or avoid them. And when our fears are centered around something within ourselves, that often necessitates some manner of deception - of oneself and others.
This is how you get all these cockthirsty preachers and politicians gallivanting about, hooking up with tricks and escorts, all the while denying their homosexuality and condemning others for daring to be open and unrepetant about their own same-sex attractions.
And when you've been living a lie, complete with a wife and kids at home, constituents and a congregation to pander to, the truth becomes even more frightening. So greater and greater levels of compartmentalization and other psychological contortionisms are required to keep it from coming out (so to speak).
But the truth always comes out, one way or another. How dare these individuals suggest that we change when by all accounts clearly they themselves cannot? If Jeebus won't even "cure" the nation's top evangelist of his yen for men, what hope on earth has a naughty, kinky, dirty, little sinner such as I, hmm?
Sigmund Freud had a theory that people who see things in themselves that make them uncomfortable will be very quick to decry these qualities in others. They may also engage in overcompensatory behaviors, such as the macho man who verbally or physically attacks "fags" but deep down inside wants to be my bitch.
All these public figures with their knickers in a twist about what two men or two women do in bed together - how much of their time do you reckon is spent thinking about these things? A lot, I tell you. An awful lot.
I've no doubt that that horrible Fred Phelps devoted a significant amount of time each day to imagining hot young studs fornicating like bunnies. Oh, how badly it must have worked him into a frustrated, towering lather of zeal!
I'm betting a good number of these Church of Michael Archangel freaks are novas. In fact, I'd put money on it. As for this Mark Green clown, let's wait and see, shall we?
-Glamora!
Dear Glamora,
I'm an 18 year old questioning male, just out of high school. I know some queer kids, and I told them I wasn't sure about my own sexuality. I know a guy who invited me to participate in a circle jerk and I think I understand the concept, but I don't know what the proper etiquette is. HELP!
-Jerking in Ohio
Dear Ohio,
I couldn't help but notice that you failed to properly address me as "Queen Glamora," but I'll forgive you. (Just this once!)
For the benefit of my less savvy readers, according to the Encyclopedia Dramatica:
"A circle jerk is a sex act consisting of three or more 13-year-old boys masturbating each other in a circle. A staple of Boy Scout Jamborees, junior high Dungeons & Dragons sleep-overs, and Fellowship of Christian Athletes prayer meetings, a circle jerk is not even a little bit gay. Nope, not at all. Seriously, 100% heterosexual, but if you tell anybody at school, I will fucking kill you in the face."
Just to clear a few things up, circle jerks are not just for 13-year-olds, nor are they necessarily done in a circle. It's basically just a group of dudes jacking themselves and/or each other off.
I assume you're familiar enough with your own anatomy to know how a dick works. Most of them operate on similar principles, so it shouldn't take you long to get the hang of it. Remember, it's all in the wrist!
As for etiquette, some hosts are good enough to provide kleenex or towels and lube for those who want it. You might want to bring your own, though, just in case.
While this should be a great opportunity to explore your blossoming sexuality, don't ever feel like you need to do anything you're not okay with. (I mention this only because circle jerks sometimes have a way of developing into circle sucks, or beyond, and you're entitled to your limits.) Also, some people might not want it made public that they participated in a blatant homoerotic act, so mind your manners and don't go blabbing any names around town. Best to wait until they decide to run for office.
Finally: try not to cum in anyone's eye, because aside from cootie concerns, it burns really bad.
Happy jerking!
-Glamora!
Your highness,
There's a guy at work who keeps making prurient comments to me about how my dick would look better in his mouth. Personally, I like the way my dick looks as it is and to my knowledge he's never actually seen it. How could he know?
I'm not gay, so I don't know if he possesses some sort of x-ray vision or not. I went to high school with a nova so I know that sometimes there are "qualities" that make them "special." Should I assume that he's just coming on to me or is it that he knows something I don't?
Now, when my girlfriend picks me up at the office, instead of waving goodbye, he points to his own dick, then puts that finger in his mouth and winks. I keep having to spin her around so she doesn't see and I'm dizzy. I'd really like to get to the bottom of this without ending up a bottom.
I know little to nothing about fashion, but I have a hunch that his mouth isn't the must have accessory of the season.
-Zipped Up in Zurich
Dear Zurich,
If I didn't live in Las Vegas, I might think you were talking about me!
I don't know whether your co-worker is a nova. Although the ability to see through opaque materials has been documented in certain individuals, hopefully he'd have set his sights on something bigger (teehee!) and would be using his powers for some larger (haha!) purpose.
But novas (gay ones, at that) are relatively rare critters. No, odds are that he's just your run-of-the-mill 'mo with an attraction to a straight co-worker, who fantasizes about sucking straight cock. Trust me, there's no shortage of those!
Sigh. It seems we just can't help but objectify the men around us to some extent, even when we know they're unavailable - because they're straight, or partnered, or much prettier than we are, or in the clergy, what have you.
But isn't it simply human nature to long for what we can't have? Aren't we all guilty of covetousness at some point? (And isn't it ironic that wanting something is often more satisfying than having it?)
Every gay boy has had the experience of developing a crush on a straight friend or acquaintance. Such unrequited feelings can be as exhilarating as they are painful, and they can induce us to behave in all kinds of crude and foolish ways.
Some would say that it might be wiser not to voice or act upon these feelings, to repress them and pretend they do not exist. But in my opinion, a life well-lived will be punctuated with wonderful, regrettable moments wherein we played the role of an ass. Give me authenticity over discretion any day!
With that said, your co-worker needs to respect your boundaries and behave in a way commensurate with that respect. But you need to make those boundaries clear. If his advances are making you uncomfortable, it is incumbent upon you to tell him so. Remind him of your company's policy against sexual harassment and, if he persists in this behavior, file a grievance.
Unless, of course, some part of you is curious about what his mouth might feel like. Now wouldn't that be interesting!
-Glamora!
Queen Glamora,
My boys call me Master, but you can call me Sir. I'm a mean-ass member of the old guard who lives in leather, and lately, has been living with a secret, too. It all started one night when I milked one piggy and hoo-whee did he squeal. His cum shot right on my forehead so of course I immediately gave him the strap he deserved. I was too busy doling out discipline to think about the cum and the next day, my forehead was tight in a way it hadn't been in years.
The next time I had the boy over, I must have got eight loads out of him before I was done and I saved each one. Of course, I told him it was so that he could see what a good pig he was, but I figured it wouldn't be bad to see what his seed could do for the rest of my face. Let's just say it was an eye opener for me what taut changes spunk could make.
My tangled beard looked almost alien on that handsome devil's face staring back at me in the mirror. I'm not ashamed to say it, because damn it to hell, I was right pretty. My skin's never looked better and my boy is in pig heaven. My reputation was always good because at 57 I've broke more boys than most have met. Now, they're lining up to serve me and I have an endless supply of special cream.
Problem is, people are starting to talk. At the bar the other night, someone even accused me of going soft. I put him in his place right quick. I mean, it's not like I'm mashing an avacado in it; I've thought about it, but I ain't gonna do it. I think I can still be rough without looking rough. What's your take?
A Rep To Protect
Dear Sir Spunky,
Just because you're a dirty old troll on the inside doesn't mean you have to look like one on the outside! (I only wish other men your age would learn this lesson before trying to cop a feel.)
I've yet to see any scientific evidence supporting the rejuvenating effects of semen on the skin, so I can't recommend it for everyone. But if you feel prettier after smearing cum on your face, and your boys enjoy giving it to you, what the hell does it matter what I or scientists or anyone else may think?
-Glamora!
Glam Bam,
Babe, it's like this, see. My pops caught me beating myself blind to some hottie on XTube. It woulda been no probs if I hadn't had that tight little number full-screened. Now, I don't wanna go calling the old man lost, but he said he had no idea that his own son was an abomination. Sure I've been called worse by the guys in the locker room, but come on, if they knew, and they did, am I really supposed to believe that he didn't?
Momsy tells me it'll just take time, but I ain't got those tick tocks to waste. It's my senior year and home has become anything but sweet. Now, every chance he gets, he patronizes me. We'll be unloading groceries and I'll pull out a bottle of shampoo. "What are you gonna do, stick that up your ass?" he'll say like he's some hype comedy star. I want to say "Yeah, Daddy-o, great idea," but instead I leave the room. Why am I letting him get to me?
How do I live in a place that feels about as much like home as Oz felt like Kansas? P-FLAG ain't helping because he won't talk about it with strangers since he doesn't even talk about it with me. I don't wanna be a hater on him, since it was hard enough not hating myself at first. Won't you help this fairy find some kind of magic wand?
Dear Shampoo Fairy,
I think momsy is right. Things like this take time.
Even when all the signs are there, parents can be very good at blinding themselves to what is obvious to everyone else.
Parents who are uninformed about sexual and gender orientation development may believe that they did something "wrong" to make you the way you are, or they may believe that you were victimized somehow and that's what caused you to become gay. They may feel as though they let you down somehow, and may be questioning and punishing themselves for it.
For fathers especially, the fact that their son is gay somehow rattles their own sense of masculinity. Throw a bunch of backward religious ideas into the mix, and you can see that there's a lot to be dealt with.
Parents often go through a process of grieving for the straight child they thought they had. They must come to grips with the fact that their child will not get married, will not produce offspring, etc. The whole life they fantastized about for you goes out the window, and must be replaced by something less ideal but more realistic.
Your father's attempts at humor may be his way of trying to defend himself from the sources of pain and shame I've identified. Unfortunately, his jokes are hurtful to you, and that's not fair. Moreover, if he actually wants to be a good father to you, his behavior is getting in the way of that relationship.
PFLAG meetings are wonderful, but if your father is unwilling to go, perhaps you can buy him a book written for the parents of GLBT children. Or, maybe your mother would be willing to go, and serve as more of an advocate or mediator as her own misunderstandings and doubts are addressed.
These ideas may help, but ultimately, your father has to make the choice to want to change the way he understands and relates to you. It's very difficult, and very frustrating, to attempt to help someone who does not want it.
So this leaves you. What can you do differently to make things better for yourself?
Instead of walking out of the room, what about asking your father for what you need? In other words, communicate that you need him to be warm and supportive instead of sarcastic and scornful. You may be surprised by his reaction.
But if you cannot get the kind of support that you need from home, you must look elsewere. Friends are often a good place to start. Social networking sites may help too. Does your school have a Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA)? If not, have you considered starting one? I promise you that your difficulties are not unique.
Another option is individual or group psychotherapy with a practitioner who is competent to deal with GLBT issues. He or she is also likely to know more about other resources available in your area.
I'm afraid there's no magic wand for your dilemma. Be patient, try to understand your father as you wish to be understood, and focus on what you can do to make your situation more tolerable.
And for fuck's sake, learn to lock your door when jacking off.
Good luck, kiddo.
-Glamora!
Dear Queen Glamora,
Long time fan here, but first time writer. My mouth is still hanging open over something that happened the other night. I was sucking off my bf when I sneezed. It was one of those quick, out-of-nowhere sneezes, and as soon as I felt it I tried to pull off, but there was some accidental scrapage by my teeth against his shaft. In the instant the sneeze started, I was already fashioning an apology for what was happening, but before I even got to make it, he was moaning and saying "oh yeah" like he was the Kool-Aid man bursting through the wall. I sat back, mouth agape and arms akimbo and just blinked. I'd clearly caused the man I love pain, and his response was to be pleased.
That opened up a conversation where, among other things, he sort of came clean about being into light pain. Keep in mind, we've been together for a year and a half and this is the first I've heard of it. In the bedroom, we're pretty vanilla, but suddenly, I'm learning that in the bedroom, I'm pretty vanilla and I don't know how to take that.
Sure, we've had all sorts of talks during the time we've been together about stuff we've done and the guys we've done, but he never mentioned this. Ever. He said he never told me about it because he didn't know how I'd feel. I wished I'd bit my tongue, but he might have gotten into that too and I felt caught between a rock and a hard place. I said that I didn't feel good about it at all and never wanted to hurt him. He tried to explain that it wasn't really that he wanted to be hurt, but he liked the extra stimulation that pain gave him and it helped to get him off.
What's up with that?
I'm confused by all of this and, honestly, a little bit pissed. Suddenly what I thought was a smooth, perfect life has a kink in it that keeps tripping me. Am I supposed to take up boxing so I can knock him out in the bedroom? I remember a karate instructor that talked about the ability to rip someone's heart out with your thumb. I bet that'd be one hot orgasm. I mean, really, what the fuck?
Prompt Answer Is Needed
Dear PAIN,
Some people like vanilla, and nothing but vanilla. Day in and day out, they never waver from the familiar.
But other people get bored with the same thing every day. Some people, like yours truly, need a little variety to keep things exciting and fresh.
So your boyfriend likes a little pain in the sack now and then. So fucking what? Why are you carrying on like he took a shit in your mouth?
Look. If he's really "perfect" except for this one teensy little kink, consider yourself very lucky, because it could be a lot more extreme than that. (I'll do anything once, babies, but there's a hell of a lot I'll never do again!)
If you like vanilla, and only vanilla, you should probably dump this guy now and find yourself another boyfriend. A very boring, predictable boyfriend. Because if you don't, and your current boyfriend has an itch that you're just not willing to scratch, he'll find someone else to scratch it for him. It's that simple.
But if you're smart, you'll find a way of holding onto this near-perfect boyfriend of yours, even if it means exploring beyond your comfort zone. Why? Because that's what good boyfriends do. They go to reasonable (and sometimes extraordinary) lengths to make their partner happy.
So, here's what you do.
First, you talk with him about what he would like you to do. You listen with an open mind. You do not freak out, make catty remarks, or make him feel weird or bad.
Then, after you've listened to what he wants, you begin to work some new techniques into your repertoire.
Like: instead of kissing his nipples, nibble on them. Gradually nibble harder until you find the right intensity. (Don't worry about hurting him; he'll let you know when it's too much.)
When you grab him, grab him like you mean it. And while you're rimming him, slap his ass a bit until it's a nice rosy color. He'll love that.
You already know he likes a little tooth with his blowjobs, so you're already on the right path.
See how easy that was? No boxing gloves or karate classes needed! Just some imagination, and a little bit of daring.
Try it. You'll be thanking me later.
-Glamora!
QG:
I'm a little worried that lately my life partner has her eye on my life. I asked my Magic 8 Ball if she was going single white female on me, and all signs point to yes. We've been together five months, and we committed ourselves to each other in September. It was a great cat-themed ceremony where our friends came and wished us well.
Now that we're bride and bride, it's only natural that we recognize some of the things we have in common. However, these days,I'm beginning to think that she might be trying a bit too hard. Here's what I know:
1. The other day I found a letter I'd written to a friend, tucked inside the phone book and my other half had been copying the letter in what appeared to be the nearest thing she could muster to my own penmanship.
2. We had a meeting with my lawyer in October. At that time, my BooBooKitty asked about life insurance policies and how benefits work for partners. I'm 25, healthy, and on the vivacious side which means that as far as I can imagine, death isn't going to knock anytime soon.
3. I have long red hair. Care to guess who dyed her short blonde locks a rich auburn and said she thought she'd grow her hair out? One hint, it isn't Miss Clairol.
4. Sharing clothes would be no big deal, since we're both the same size, but I find it odd that she wears everything I wore exactly one week following my stylish choices.
5. My call log on my cell doesn't match the calls I've made.
Maybe it's that I jumped into this whole life thing and this is what partnered people do. If so, I'm going to be all sorts of embarrased that my imagination was running away from me. Still, there's something about the way she looks at me that's less chock full of desire and more, well, creepy. I knew if anyone could help, it'd be you.
Hoped for a Portia, Worried I Have an Anne.
Dear Worried Dyke,
Just so I understand: you were together for five months, got hitched, and now you're noticing some disconcerting qualities in your "life partner."
I hope you feel dumb, because that was a pretty dumb move on your part. Let me explain.
Our culture has some rather romantic notions of.. well, romance. We're fed all kinds of junk about "true love" and under all kinds of social pressure to enter ourselves into contractual arrangements designed to approximate the bliss of heterosexual matrimony.
We have some rather confused notions of love, too. What is love, anyway? I love my mom. I love my dog. I love my friends. Would I ever want to marry any of them? Hell no! Apparently, this four-letter word is applied to a rather wide variety of affiliative feelings, not all of which are conducive to a lifelong partnership.
What I think happened in your case is what often happens to people who fall in love. You feel great, and everything seems great. Your partner seems nothing less than perfect, and you feel as though you two were destined to be together. Forever. And you'd like nothing better than to live happily ever after, just like in all the stories you heard while growing up.
This kind of love is, quite literally, an altered state of consciousness. Your brain is awash in a soup of feel-good hormones, and it's not unlike being intoxicated. There are laws against getting married while intoxicated, of course, but no laws to protect people from getting married while under the insidious influence of passionate love!
And inevitably, like all good chemical trips, it fades. Cracks begin to form. You start to notice the imperfections of your partner, and they cease to be charming. You start to notice, for example, that she's a wacked-out cunt who has no existence of her own, who defines herself solely by her connection to you, who may in fact be trying to become you.
Had you waited, if your love had a chance to mature and become tempered by reason, you might have recognized these problems sooner and saved yourself a lot of trouble.
In any case, you are rightly concerned by your partner's behavior. So what can you do?
Well, for starters, you might want to get couples therapy. Although it sounds like she probably needs professional help more than you do, this may be a good opportunity to work on some of your issues, too.
Second, you might want to talk to a lawyer about how to disentangle and protect yourself from this scary person if therapy doesn't work out.
Third, you might want to get a gun, or take some karate classes, because I saw that movie too and that bitch was crazy.
If I sound like a bitter old queen here, it's because I've been burned a few times myself. Next time - and there will be a next time, trust me - don't rush into anything. Take as long as you need to be able to view your relationships more realistically. If it is true love, if it's something that was meant to be, it can surely handle the wait.
Good luck, sister.
-Glamora!
Dear Queen Glamora,
God talks to me. I know it sounds far fetched, and I know there's a lot of people out there who think God is something made up, but it's true. God talks to me. In fact, God's talked to me since I was 7 years old (I'm 25 now). It started out that God would only tell me simple things like reminding me of the importance of saying my prayers or having all the labels on the cans of vegetables lined up and facing the same way. When I turned 20, things got a little more intense because God would want me to do things, and if I did them, he would remind me that he was raising a prophet in the world.
There have been times that I've worked to ignore the request God makes of me, but then bad things start to happen. As soon as I find out about a bad thing, God lets me know that more things will occur until I follow the commands God makes. Of course, I end up doing the things that God wants, because I don't like being the cause of bad things happening to others.
Similarly, in the past year or so, I've started doing some things on my own and even with those, God will let me know how to handle them. God has explained to me that I have free will, so I'm able to do whatever I want, but that God still has a plan for me. For example, I was mad one night, so I went out and slashed someone's tires, broke out their windows, and generally tore up their car just for fun. The police questioned me about it later, but God told me to deny it and I did. The police believed me.
I'm worried that I'm not able to fully be myself as long as God is telling me what to do, but God won't leave me alone. That makes me all sorts of mad because I don't know why God wants me to suffer if I'm doing what God wants.
Lately, God has been telling me to kiss a guy I know. That has me nothing but confused. I've read the Bible over and over again--it's my favorite book--and I know that to kiss another guy would make me depraved and abhorrent before God and mankind. I don't understand why God would ask me to do something that is wrong. I asked God and God said there is nothing wrong with it if God asks me to do it, but the Bible says otherwise.
Now, everytime I'm around this guy, all that goes through my mind is "Kiss him. Kiss him." A few times I've even heard the voice of God telling me to do it or deal with the consequences of not doing God's will. After all these years I know that any day things are going to start happening that are my fault for not doing what God asks of me. Still, before now, God's never put my eternal soul in such peril. God tests his prophets and I'm worried that this may be a test for me. Either way, I'm suffering more and more at what God wants of me and how to respond. What should I do?
Just enduring some unsolicited suffering.
Dear JESUS,
First, the bad news.
Obviously, it isn't God talking to you. I mean, you vandalized a car, and then God told you to lie to the police about it?
And why would God care about whether the labels on vegetable cans are lined up correctly?
When I read your letter, I couldn't help but think of all those nice mothers from Texas who heard God telling them to kill their children. Perhaps they thought God was testing them (as he tested Abraham), or that He had some special redeeming plan in mind for them. All they had to do was have faith, and give their will to God.
So they did, and now their children are dead. And these mothers are in mental institutions, or in prison awaiting execution.
It's so very sad, and altogether preventable. Maybe this fate is what the voice in your head wants for you, but it is not what I want for you, or what your friends and family want for you. Nor do I think that it's what you want for you.
The good news is that you wrote to me for advice, so there's a part of you that suspects something about these experiences is not quite right.
Please see a doctor, and share your letter with them.
-Glamora!
Dear Queen Glamora,
Why do people have to put labels on their sexuality, and then define themselves by these labels? Why can't people just love who they want to love without everyone having to know who and why or how?
-Hopeless Romantic
Dear Hopeless,
I'm so glad you sent in your letter, because I have something to get off my chest and you've given me a great excuse. But first I'll talk about labels.
My thinking is this: when applied correctly, labels can be useful.
If nothing else, they provide information. I know some people don't like labels, as evidenced by their screechy mantra: "Labels are for soup cans!" Indeed, I certainly appreciate labels on soup cans. It would be very confusing if soup cans contained no information at all as to what was inside.
But I don't think labels are only for soup cans. They also tell us what our garments are made of, and how to take appropriate care of them. Sometimes they warn us about the harms associated with certain products, or assure us that no animals were harmed in their manufacture.
Labels can also be informative as applied to people. Granted, there is much more to a person than "heterosexual" or "homosexual," or "alcoholic" or "Catholic." Although it would be hazardous to draw conclusions on the basis of these labels alone, they can often give us some preliminary idea of what an individual is about.
Sometimes people are labeled mistakenly by others. When I was younger, I was labeled with "Gender Identity Disorder" because I liked to dress in women's clothes. They erroneously thought I was a girl in a boy's body, when actually I was a celebrity in a regular person's body. People still confuse drag queens with the truly transgendered, but I am always happy to educate them.
Even when people label themselves, these are not guaranteed to be 100% accurate. Ted Haggard, the anti-gay megachurch pastor who was disgraced following the revelation of his dalliances with a hunky male escort, not only labeled himself heterosexual, but "completely heterosexual." Though we know now that Haggard was cream of chicken masquerading as beef stew, I imagine that his wife would have liked to know that before she married him.
As far as sexual orientation goes, there are only four labels (or identities) that you need to know, and I will describe these for you now.
1. Heterosexual: sexually/romantically attracted only to members of the opposite gender.
2. Homosexual: attracted only to members of the same gender.
3. Bisexual: in varying degrees, attracted to either gender.
4. Asexual: not sexually attracted to anyone at all; very boring.
Most anyone should be able to place themselves in one of these categories without much difficulty. In my experience, people who resist or resent these categorizations are often confused or conflicted about who they are.
Although these people freely adopt and apply other labels without any apparent difficulty, they are uncomfortable with identifying their sexuality. I suspect this happens because, to find a label that fits, they would have to really think about what category best describes them, but they don't want to think about it because they're afraid they might not like the answer. Rather than wrestle with such identity issues, they attack the validity of the identity construct and the worth of dehumanizing "labels."
Heterosexual people never resent being labeled as such. And why should they? Everything in the mainstream culture is geared toward their needs. They grow up assuming that everyone else is (or should be) just like them. Straightness is society's ideal, and by definition, there's nothing at all wrong with being ideal.
Homosexual people have a harder time of it. They know early on that they are different, though they may not understand why. It is only when their same-sex attractions become undeniable that they get it. But some gays may still try to identify as straight for a variety of implicit assumptions, most of them profoundly negative -- e.g., "People will stop loving me if they find out," or "I will never be happy as a gay person," or "God will punish me if I acknowledge and act upon these feelings."
Bisexual people face a somewhat different set of circumstances. I'm talking about truly bisexual people here, not homos who identify as bi because they think it's not as bad, or silly girls who make out with other females to feel transgressive or because their oafish boyfriends think it's a turn-on.
Most people are not taught to acknowledge their same-sex attractions. For this reason, many "straight" people are bisexual without realizing it! This side of them may manifest, for example, only while drunk, or while in prison. Or perhaps it was "just a thing I did a few times in college with a good friend." Because their same-sex attractions are situational (and frowned upon), and because their opposite-sex attractions predominate (and are continually reinforced), they are often able to assimilate themselves as happy heterosexuals without any problems.
At the other end of the continuum, you have bisexuals who have rather enduring same-sex attractions but who are able to fall in love with (and get it up for) the right opposite-sex partner. They may convince themselves that this makes them straight. But because their homoerotic urges are so strong, they often find themselves compelled to seek out others of their gender to satisfy these needs.
This is where "ex-gays" (and, by extension, "ex-ex-gays") come from. This is where the Ted Haggards and Bob Allens and Larry Craigs come from. They tried to deny an important part of themselves and failed, and they had such little self-awareness that they tried to label themselves as something they were not.
I've discussed in other letters the mechanisms through which self-awareness is kept at bay or is distorted to fit one's wishes, so I will not rehash this here.
Anyway, so much for labeling. Your letter also touched on privacy, and this is where I'm going to get on my soapbox.
People have defined privacy in various ways, but ultimately the core issue is something we're uncomfortable with other people knowing.
Again, straight people have no problem parading their straight-ness. They hold hands in public. They kiss and cuddle without any shame. They put pictures of their opposite-sex sweethearts on their desks at work for all to see, and they wear gilded wedding bands to show everyone how committed they are to their opposite-sex partner. They simply have no need to keep these things private.
But when gay people do these things, we are accused of flaunting. We are denounced and attacked for "shoving our gay-ness in society's face." Parents complain that their children should not see us being affectionate. "We don't care what you people do in private," they say, "but don't do it in front of us!"
These folks are not appealing to privacy for our benefit, but for theirs. They are made uncomfortable by knowing, and they don't want to know. They don't want to see. They want us to be invisible. They want us to be well-behaved, conformist little faggots.
When Anderson Cooper the Magnificent Mountie refuse to talk about their sexuality because it's "private," I lose all respect for them. If they were straight, they'd simply say so. By not saying anything, by seeming coy, they are confirming the idea that it's not appropriate to be gay in public, or even talk about being gay. They are acting in a manner that is complicit with society's demand that, not only should we not be seen, but neither should we be heard.
Fuck that.
Maybe someday who and how people love will be as irrelevant as eye color. But we're not there yet. We're not even close. Labels still matter, and even if you don't label yourself, someone else surely will.
Which is why you want to make sure that you identify yourself thoughtfully and honestly. To identify yourself as something you are not is disingenuous; when done out of fear, it is cowardly. Although we are all liars and cowards at some point, hopefully one does not make a lifestyle of it.
-Glamora!
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